Dear Mr Goodman,
It was a real honor to meet with you last night to discuss your ideas for redesigning the interior of your home. It’s always exciting to meet someone as enthusiastic about quality as you, Saul (you said it was okay to call yourself that, so I hope you weren’t kidding!)
You can rest assured that my company has overcome a series of design challenges over the years, and we wouldn’t be Albuquerque Style Now Magazine 4th interior design firm if we hadn’t left a few smiles in our wake. I’m sure that between our extensive portfolio of custom homes and your desire to have a home that, in your own words, will make all other lawyers “nads return to their cavities with jealousy”, you’ll plead guilty to having the best house in town. Lol.
On a professional note, I thought I’d recap some of the ideas we discussed to make sure we’re all on the same page.
Like you, I am a great lover of Renaissance art. Albuquerquens are so attached to adobe structures that speak to the history of our area that no one dares to brighten up our community with architectural classics. For example, your idea of recreating the Sistine Chapel ceiling in your powder room will undoubtedly give your guests the bathroom experience of a lifetime. I suggest painting the floor with a 3D effect as if the toilet is above Michelangelo’s scaffolding.
Likewise, I agree with your old fashioned design philosophy that master bathrooms can’t be big enough. Not to be presumptuous, but I have already contacted a quarry in Carrera, Italy, and set aside some unusual veined marble slabs for your hundred square foot shower. I keep an undocumented person on account trompe-l’oeil artist who is already researching images of Roman gods and their submissive cherubim in an Italian garden for a mural on the wall opposite the imported Greek bronze double sinks.
Your bedroom, of course, should be your sanctuary. Besides a mattress that could hold a Caligulian-sized orgy, I think there should be a constant whiff of power. I imagine the smell of a Roman senatorial chamber with the smells of worn togas wafting through space. It’s certainly worthy of a design survey. Anyone you bring there will know that you are responsible. Also, I would recommend a fun mat.
If your bedroom is your sanctuary, your closet is your inner sanctuary. My assistants will come to your house and catalog your ties, shirts and blazers. We can make it easy with LEDs lighting, motorized shoe racks and floor mirrors. I recommend using only reclaimed wood from 14th century French castles for your cabinets.
When your guests sit at your impressive 16 foot long endangered Belgian oak replica of King Henry VIII’s dining table, they will be suitably impressed by your Etruscan relief all over the wall depicting the flight of the Israelites of Egypt. Many of my clients prefer family photos or O’Keefe prints, but this wall treatment will scream opulence and get people noticed.
In keeping with the Bible-themed interiors, for the Foyer I would suggest a perspex burning bush (with a gas outlet) so that upon entering visitors feel that they have truly been chosen for you to visit. I know an ex-hippie from Taos who makes these at a very reasonable price.
In the grand stair hall, there is yet another occasion for people to get jealous goosebumps when they walk through the door. Incorporating custom stained glass panels into the two-story entry stair hall will ensure that your party guests are constantly aware of the expense you have incurred in employing high class craftsmen. I also fully support your vision to include “tasteful nudes” in stained glass panel designs.
Although you said you won’t cook much in your kitchen, I think recreating the kitchen of the Palazzo d’Medici in Florence is a reasonable way to let people know you have class. I’m sure my appliance supplier will be able to accommodate your request that the door ice dispenser only has cubes in the shape of the dollar sign.
I haven’t forgotten your security requirements. It is only natural to want to have room for your precious hiding places as well as a refuge from possible intruders. Our company has a long-standing relationship with Mesa Verde bank safe designers, so you’re in safe hands. Also, Saul, I consider myself one of the proud citizens concerned about drug cartel intrusions into our daily lives here in Albuquerque. I’m sure you’ll agree with me that we all need to be vigilant. We can perform the soil tests to confirm the structural viability of an underground system of concrete “hiding places” that you mentioned last night. We have more experience making tunnel interiors than anyone else in town.
I failed to mention that I had a recent client, a Mr. Gus Fring, whom I’m sure I could use as a reference as to the quality of the lower level maze we designed for him. It was efficient, but not elegant. To be honest, Mr. Fring doesn’t have your design ambitions. Not to sound mean, but that’s really no surprise – the man only sells chicken. I’m sure he or his partner, Mr. Erhmantraut, would gladly vouch for our work.
I can save the rest of the discussion for when I present to you my vision board of furniture and sculpture that recreates the home of the Mayor of Pompeii just before Vesuvius enshrined it in ash. I can guarantee you that no one else in New Mexico will have a conversation pit in their living room like yours. I am happy to arrange this presentation to suit your hearing schedule.
Saul, as you can see, I look forward to working with you. I started my practice here in the Southwest hoping to find people with unique tastes, so when I saw your billboard soliciting only the “highest quality architects” I I knew I had to react. I said to myself; “Better to drawBrad!” Mdr. I was one of the Albuquerque Design Futurists‘ among the forty-nine “visionaries” of the past five years, I therefore say with confidence that together we can forge a new style of “desert class” that will thrill both the architectural and legal communities. I can’t wait to dig deep!
You will find attached my proposal for architectural services, including my professional discount on all specialized hardware and imported subway tile. Also, I have spoken to my office manager and as per your request, it is perfectly acceptable for you to pay our fees in cash.
Mayhew Design Collective
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Check out Gary Rudoren (a real, real architect) and Eric Hoffman’s classic book, Comedy in numbers, in our store.